Dear Jacob:
Wednesday, Feb. 04, 2009 5:53 PM

I don't want to do this anymore. I want you to hold me and tell me that you love me. I know that that will never happen which is why I've been trying so hard to get over you. I've been pathetic. Clearly, it's horrible. all I've wanted for the past 4 years is just for you to want me the way I want you. I can't even hold a conversation with you because I'm afraid that I'll say something wrong and have you mad at me. I can't even talk to my friends about you because they got so sick of hearing about you. Every time I get a new text message or the phone rings I hope it's you, even though I know it's not. When you went to my school I would always try and plan things to where I would see you and walk close by you. I've cried so much over you and I have to lie when people ask me whats wrong. You going to a different school is probably going to be the most bittersweet thing I will ever experience. I am so glad you did because now I won't have to see your face anymore, but at the same time, it kills me to wake up in the morning and know that you won't be there. Maybe it's good that you left, maybe I'll finally and truly get over you. But maybe not. Maybe I'm doomed to still love you like this, adore you from afar and never get married because the person I'm dating will realize that I'm not over you. It's like your holding my hostage and it's absurd. The sad part is that you think I am over you. After last year when told you how I felt and you said you didn't feel the same way, there was just an awkwardness between us. I don't want that again. I just want normalcy. I want to be free. I want you. Either way, I lose. On April, 11, 2006, we were talking late at night and you asked me out and I said yes. I was so happy-happier than I've been in a long time. The next day you texted me saying you weren't thinking and that we shouldn't go out. I was in a public place when I received that message so I held my emotions in. When I got home that night I cried like a baby. I wished that it didn't happen. I prayed that it didn't happen. Our 'relationship' lasted a mere 17 hours. I felt like you stabbed my heart with a rusty kitchen knife and then cut out a bunch of pieces. All I could do was tape it back up, so I did...with the cheap 99 cent tape, so pieces are always falling off. It's still in that condition. I don't know if it will ever heal. I know that when you started dating my best friend in 8th grade that the tape just disintegrated along with every ounce of happiness I had left. On the night of our freshman year homecoming football game I went thinking I wouldn't have to deal with you, but everything you did that night led me to my breakdown. I don't know if you've realized this, but your holding my life in your hands. You've got it and even though I fell like you've thrown it in the dirt and stomped on it, you still have it. I don't even think you know that you have it. But you do and your killing me. I remember sophomore year we had World History together and the whole year I would just wish that you would come up to me and tell me that you love me. You never did, needless to say. But here I am, junior year, and still without you and still admiring every little thing about you. I've even daydreamed that in five years I'll be a famous country singer and you would be a NFL star playing for the Buccaneers(your favorite team) and by some twist of fate we run into each other and fall madly in love and grow old together. Sadly, it was just a dream and will never, ever happen. I can't even describe how I fell because its not just one feeling, and it doesn't have just one name. You make me feel angry and happy, sad and depressed, ecstatic and amazing. I know that I hate you and I know that I love you. Lastly, I know that we will never be because life isn't a fairytale and I'm not a princess even though you are Prince Charming.