Don'teven know.
Monday, Jul. 20, 2009 5:58 PM

We actually broke up last night.

I ended up having to call him instead of the other way around. I said, "Will you tell me what is going on?" and he said, "Well, what do you want to hear?" I said, "What you want to say." and he basically said how he has been so busy that he hasn't even had time for himself. I don't exactly remember what was said, but I remember that he said that he still had feelings for me and asked me if I still had feelings for him. I said yes, but it was kind of pointless that we don't even see each other. He said that he was going to have a lot of time off of work in a little bit and that we would see what happened. I don't think anything is going to happen though. It scares me. Then he called it a break up.

I cried for about 5 seconds because that is all that I would allow myself. I thought of what I should've said but I forgot it. I put Gene Simmons Family Jewels on to try to get my mind off of it but I didn't. I turned the tv off and went on my iTouch and I wrote on my myspace status, "I should've said what I wanted to say." and then I got a text message from him saying, "What did you want to say?" I couldn't remember what I wanted to say, but I wrote, "That I wish that we didn't have to break up because you make me happy when ever you text me or I see you." No reply on that. I went on myspace after that and saw his status was, "I made a hard choice, but I think it was the right one."

That could've meant two things. That he felt it was the completely right thing to do, or that he wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. I wish I knew.

I woke up this morning and felt like shit. But after an hour or two I started feeling a lot better. Like, almost happy again. Then Brittany came over and right before she left, I started getting that feeling again of unhappiness and uncertainty.

I'm going to miss talking to him every night.
I'm going to miss being able to tell him everything.
I'm going to miss him calling me hun.
I'm going to miss our late night conversations.
I'm going to miss his kisses.
I'm going to miss his truck.
I'm going to miss the fact that we never had sex.
I'm going to miss him.