Blehhh.
Thursday, Aug. 11, 2011 8:59 PM

I just wish my parents knew how much I hate my life. Maybe they would consider not adding to it. Maybe if they knew how fucking close I am to ending it all, they�d take me seriously for once.
They�d take me seriously regarding the fact that I�m losing my mind in both senses of the phrase. I can no longer remember my password for my email, and I am having difficulties formulating words, and that scares the hell out of me because I know something is wrong.
But I just play it off to everyone. I act like I�m not nearly as stressed as I actually am. I�m losing my hair because of it. I�m losing myself and it is not a good feeling.
It�s sad when it seems the only two options in your life are to leave your home and never look back, or commit suicide.
AND NO ONE FUCKING REALIZES IT because you pretend you�re fine to make everyone else happy because all you�ve done your entire life is try to please the people around you because it�s easier to live your life that way.
I can�t accept anything anymore. I look at my pathetic excuse for my life, and even though it seems narcissistic, I know that I could be so much better. I know that I deserve so much better. I�m too educated to be working at a minimum wage fast food job, even if it is my first job.
And I�m so close to getting fired because of that reason. And that scares the hell out of me.
I get easily attached to male celebrities because I love being able to, even for just a moment, pretend that I could be with them and that my life would suck so much less and that maybe I�d even be able to enjoy it, because I�m not enjoying it now.
I�m about to turn 19, and I shouldn�t be thinking this way, but I just can�t fucking help it.
I�ve looked around and noticed that my life has not reached its full potential, and it�s taking it�s toll on me. But I feel horrible if I even mention this to anyone because people have it so much worse than me. Sure, I was molested when I was a little girl, and sure my ex-boyfriend took my virginity away from me while I was drunk. They�re horrendous things that no one should go through, but people have it so much worse.
But sometimes, I�m not as strong as I thought I was.