Future musings.
Sunday, Jul. 29, 2012 8:26 PM

As I grow in age, it's becoming more and more visible to me that my maturity level far surpasses that of a 40 year old.
Quite the feat at almost 20.
I've always been rather different in regards to being a teenager-that fact is, I haven't been a teenager. I was never one to act immature and party and stay up till odd hours of the night. I was always more responsible and felt that I should never stray from the path that's been put on me.
That being said, I HAVE partied, I HAVE acted irresponsible, but in response to all that, I absolutely hated it. I hate acting like a teenager. I hate being a teenager. I WISH I was already 40 years old.
This thought scares me to death. I'm so afraid that when I finally do settle down and get married and have children that I'm going to one day look back on my life and wish it was all different. I'm terrified of one day waking up and wishing that I had partied more; wishing that I had sex with more people. I'm terrified of these thoughts turning into actions and then I'll wind up cheating on my husband and endangering everything that I've ever worked for.
I honestly don't know why things like that affect me so much, but they do.
I'm in this constant state of looking forward to my future and looking back on my past. I can never just live in the present and enjoy life. I've been stressing out and having panic attacks because I just don't know how my life is going to pan out. But doesn't everyone feel that way? There is no possible way that people actually know exactly what is going to happen in their lives.
I think it's just the fact that I have such high hopes for my future that I'm afraid I'll never measure up to the standard that I've set myself-the standard that my parents and everyone who knows me expects.